Monday, January 12, 2009

How Am I Supposed To Feel?

Once again I am so aggreivated at the system. Today I had an in-home meeting with Children with Special Needs Services to try to set up for a Personal Care Assistant for my son. First of all, I was already upset with myself that I have to do this. To have someone come in my home and help take care of him is rather defeating for me.

Was the worker helpful and informative? Yes, I now know who to contact to try to get the special car seat we need and diapers paid for. That was a big one. But the questions she had to ask..ugh. When you have to list what you do for your child and what you assist him with, I never realized how much it was. I learned there is really nothing he does on his own. And that there is never a time in 24 hours that he is out of my eyesight. Okay I can accept this.

Did the questions make me gasp? YES. Especially when she asked and I quote.."When you realized all of this was wrong with him why did you not turn his care back to DFPS?" I picked my jaw up off the floor, looked her straight in her eyes and asked if she felt children were a returnable commodity. No answer there. Then she asked why we don't commit him and all I could think (forgive me if I offend) was..If this b**** doesn't leave soon I don't know how much more I can take.

Just for once can't people stop and think? Do they not realize my heart breaks because we know we will never see our son grow up into a man? That it kills me to realize we can't adopt him because then we would lose his benefits and I can't afford to take care of him properly without those? Does she stop and think what it feels like to see your husband cry for his son when he is raging out of control, red and can't breathe properly? We would give our lives for any of our children. To sit in an office with his doctors and psych care and be told that he will either die from complications of his brain damage or his own hand? Because they don't know what to do?

And then to turn around and pray our seventeen year old biological daughter does not have a malignant brain tumor. Can't someone please realize how we feel at just the thought of having to bury two of our children??

Sorry, lack of sleep is wiping me out. I am emotionally drained but yet people keep pulling the plug and the tears run as they do now.


tiptoe mama said...

People can be really stupid. I had a similar situation recently. Only it was people talking heartlessly about a baby that had died. It was hard for me to hear because my first baby died in nearly the same way. I have to remind myself that they are not idiots or rude. They just have absolutely no way to comprehend the situation. They are too naive to the true nature of it all. I must add here that I haven't actually convinced myself of all this. I'm still in the phase of strongly disliking them, and feeling hurt and offended. But I think if I keep trying, I'll feel better soon.

I'm sorry you had to deal with it though. hang in there. I'm sending some prayers your way.

Katie said...

Theresa, my heart breaks for you. I know my problems are small compared to yours and a lot of the rest of the people here, but I have had similar feelings. When I thought my sweet baby boy was dying I fell apart. Every time I have to tell a therapist or doctor what JT is NOT doing it rips my heart out. So no, I don't have the same situation and no I have not been in your shoes, but here is what I have learned: Our Heavenly Father loves us. I don't know if you know Him but at my lowest points I felt Him so close, His love enveloping me in an indescribable way. I also know that some how we make it through. Some how tomorrow comes and some how things start to feel better even though they aren't. Until that day comes, we are here for you. Anything I can do for you I will, that's a promise.

Melissa said...

I am sorry! Life is unfair, plain and simple. I still can't believe that she had the nerve to say those things to you. Even if she thought them, she should keep them to herself. There are not enough people in the world who take these precious kids in, for whatever reason. It's hard to remember that people really can't judge the situation unless they truly understand it. And so many people we come across on a regular basis, don't. My prayers are with you and I hope you have a better day tomorrow!

Mel said...

Is it the same as "Children with Special Health Care Needs"? That woman needs to be reported. The purpose of providing a personal care assistant is to make it possible to keep him in YOUR home, isn't it? Just the fact that she suggested anything else makes me wonder if she is overstepping her bounds. I'm only speaking from what experience I've had. We qualify for in-home respite care and the goal that is set forth in his file is to be able to keep him in his home. That is why they provide the services.

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with all of this. My thoughts are with you.

Luke and Erin said...

Wow, some people can be so thoughtless. I am not sure if it is there fault or not. I would like to think that if they would sit back at look at your situation they would realize that you are doing the best you can. The people that work for those kinds of programs really have no idea, despite all the “training” they get. Until you live it you just can not know. My problems pale in comparison to yours. You are an inspiration. Thank you for sharing. My thoughts and prayers are with your family. May you be able to find peace.

Anita Nap said...

Wow. I can't believe she actually asked why you didn't give him back!! How hurtful. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

Hang in there. You'll make it through just as you always do.