Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Can anyone relate?

I've spent the morning laying in my bed in fetal position, crying.  On Monday, a short yellow bus pulled in front of our house and took my baby away to the Deaf School.  I tried to follow,  but I had to drop off A at school too.  I have always waited and watched him until his teacher let him inside.  But my heart ripped in two as I wanted to be there with MK for her first day in a new place, riding a bus in her wheelchair.... I gave A lots of hugs and he told me he'd be fine, so I let him go play on the playground and drove away without watching.  The whole way to the deaf school (20+ minute drive compared to 3 minutes to our neighborhood school) I kept watching for school buses wondering "Is that her bus?"  no, it's too long. "Is my baby in there?" no, there isn't a smiley face on the front, no, it's not white on top.  It is a desperate, sickening feeling to feel like one of my children was taken from me and the other had been abandoned.  I know it sounds dramatic.  Am I pathetic and overprotective, or am I just tenderhearted?  I know Mothers worry.  It's our job.  But I seem to be really good at it.  too good I think.  
I've spent the last two days at school with her - admittedly to make myself feel better- she doesn't need me there.  She adjusts just fine.  Today, I decided I would let her go all by herself.  It is a short day.  It can't be that bad right?  There are so many things I need to be doing.  I don't think my house has been properly cleaned since OCTOBER, I've got bills to pay, deadlines to meet, obligations to fulfill, etc. etc. etc. But all I can do is worry about my kids today.  (A was tearful this morning about nobody playing with him at recess)  
When people tell you that parenting is hard, they don't explain it.  They don't tell you that your heart literally aches, and that ulcers develop overnight.  My husband is fine with all this.  These things don't phase him.  He says these things will help to strengthen their character, and build their independence.  And of course my head tells me he's right, but when will my heart catch up?  Why are these things so hard for me?  
I guess I just need to whine to someone.  I feel so pathetic and wimpy today, and I have to giggle a little, because I can't help but think of all the times 'regular' Moms have told me how strong I must be (just because I'm a special needs mom.  Not because of anything in particular) and I have to think, If only they could see me now...... glad they can't.  There's still something comforting in a small vote of confidence no matter how unfounded I feel it is.  :) thanks for listening to me girls.  I needed that. 


Lori said...

oh girl. you're not alone. I think moms, whether special ed or not, get verklempt with their child driving off in the bus. i know i lost it the first time JJ went on the bus to USD. i'm sorry, big cyber hugs!

hope USD is good for you though!!

Mel said...

It isn't easy! I try really hard not to think about it.

Today we had an IEP for Crew and USD was there. I met one of the preschool teachers. She was very sweet and it sounds like a good program. I will be taking a tour there soon. Maybe I will see your cute girl there.

Kim said...

That is the biggest dilema! This summer my 6 month old was at PCMC for 11 weeks and my 3 yr old had to be with babysitters durring the day so I could be at the hospital and I felt horrible. When I had to be home with the 3 yr old and couldn't be at the hospital I felt even worse. I hope you feel better soon and I'm sending good vibes to the universe for you.

Katie said...

Dads don't usually understand this one, they don't have that insane mom gene. I had to smile reading this because of how true it is. I cried after I left my son at nursery and that only lasted 15 min. because all he did was cry too. It will be extra hard when he is ready and I still am not. Being a mom is truly draining in ways I could never have imagined. But don't you love it!

Happy in Holland said...

Oh, my friend, I just wish I could give you a big hug today. I know how it breaks your heart to send your little one across town on a bus. Mason has a great big bus ride each day, too. You'll feel better once it becomes normal and isn't so new. I'm really glad you've got a place like this to vent because sometimes all we need to feel better is a place to be heard. I'm glad it doesn't seem to be too hard for MK to adjust. Hang in there!

familystemsupport said...

I so know how you feel. When I put my bio daughters on their buses (oh my that was 14 years ago) I thought my heart would break into. All the well meaning people telling me to enjoy my time to myself. Drove me nuts enough I decided to volunteer at the school just to be near them.

Now this time around..K just started school this Monday. We take her and pick her up right now as the bus wasn't informed of her. Yes upset me to think my little 3 year old is at school from 7:45 till 2 pm. BUT I still have P at home so still exceptionally busy.

Remember when their faces light up from their new found independence, it makes it so worth it!

Liz said...

I will be there in less than a year too- sending my baby off to preschool on a bus in her wheelchair. (I followed the bus the first day of kindergarten for my son, he was just fine about everything, but I had to do it for me!) It seems like each month that passes, like clockwork I think about this being closer for C... so I can tell you now, this is gonna be hard for me too!
You aren't alone in your feelings, it is so hard for a big change like this!
But, hang in there, you are a great mom! And, before you know it the day wull be done, and the bus will be back at your door! :)

tiptoe mama said...

Thanks everyone. Your comments and support have been so helpful. It's so good to have a group of friends like this. I really needed all that love.
I survived yesterday. Today is the slightest degree easier. The dog is sick of me hugging him, and I keep counting down the hours. But all is well and I'm sure it will keep getting better. I'm going to go hug the dog again....
thanks everyone. thank you thank you thank you.

Luke and Erin said...

You are in need of a serious hug! I totally get where you are coming from. LAST fall, really last fall, I had melt-down about this same thing. Emma Lee (my oldest) starts kindergarten this fall. I started to freak out about things like: "well how do I drop her off and not walk her to class, I mean I could walk her to class but that means unloading all 4 kids, and then getting 3 of them back in the car." "What if she hates it and I still have to make her go anyway" Lets not even talk about my worries with Bree in 4 years. Yes, I am worried about Bree in FOUR years. So, the fact that you waited until there was something to be upset about is about 14 steps ahead of me! WAY-TO-GO!
I think our husbands will never get it. They just can’t. I have tried to explain it and how I can not help but be worried but he just doesn't get it. But we get, so you can vent/cry whatever you want to call it because it is just not fun and we as moms know that!
I like how Katie put it, "insane mom gene" That really put a big smile on my face! Because I really do feel insane most of the time, and that only happened when I found out I was going to be a mom! *sigh* I think that just means that we are doing our jobs and we are doing them to the best of our abilities! Hang-in-there I hear it get easier.

heather said...

Oh yes I can relate! I cried the first time I put both of my children on the bus to the Children's Center and the Special ed pre-school. Some days they cried with me so I am sure we looked pathetic to the bus staff. Just know you have friends here!