Sunday, May 10, 2009

How Can I Do This??!

My husband just left today for a week-long research conference in Spain. He hated to leave but he really needs to go there. This should get him some recognition, which will be very much needed next year when he graduates (he's finishing up a PhD in Theoretical Astrophysics). So I haven't even been alone ONE DAY and I'm fighting tears. I'm so frustrated and overwhelmed and I only have 2 kids!!! Marshall is defiant and angry but he's doing it a lot more passively these days. He does mean and naughty things on purpose and doesn't care about the consequence. I don't get even ONE MINUTE to myself before he does something bad. I try playing with him but he won't stay focused on anything for more than 30 seconds (IF THAT).

Earlier today he kept jumping on the couch. Not only do I not want him to do this because it can ruin the couch, he could fall and hurt himself. He purposely sits on the back of the couch by the banister that separates our living room from the stairway (we live in a duplex but we have the top floor). I try to get him to listen so he won't get hurt but he won't listen. Then he started kicking his brother just for the heck of it. So, I grabbed his leg and wouldn't let him have it back. I just held his leg while ignoring him, and went about my business. He started kicking me with his other leg and laughing. So, I took him on my lap and put him in what I call a "lockdown timeout". At first I only locked down his arms but then he started kicking me. So I put my legs over his legs. I didn't need to put pressure on him at all because I was just using my legs to block him. Next he tried to bite me so I had to immobilize his head. He was telling me he's stronger than me and he can get away. He almost did get away because I had just finished putting lotion on my hands.

He has a sinus infection right now, although the doctor won't give him antibiotics for it now because it hasn't been enough days. Maybe he's not feeling well so he's acting worse. I know he's tired and he's upset that Daddy is not here. We also just got back from a week vacation to Chicago (we drove 24 hrs each way..ugh). He kept hitting me last week because I wouldn't let him continue to run away during church. I took him out to the foyer because he couldn't behave but he kept trying to hurt me even more. If he hits me and I tell him it didn't hurt, he just hits harder. What am I going to do? How will I make it through this week? It's not like it's any easier when my husband is here because he has a shorter fuse than I do. Things are not going well here.

What makes it worse is that last week when we were in Chicago visiting friends, I was told by many people that he acts like a normal 4 yr old. We stayed with a family for 4 days. There are five children in that family, the oldest of which is 8 yrs old. She (the mother) said he is a really good boy and he doesn't seem to have any problems at all. He's a normal 4 yr old boy. Why do I hate hearing that so much? Why does it make me 2nd guess myself a billion times over? I feel like I'm crazy for thinking he has problems but I know he does. I spend way too much time trying to explain why I say he has problems or why I think he has Autism. I WISH he didn't have problems but it doesn't change anything.

What's a Mom to do? Take it a minute at a time...keep going...because I have to and because as frustrated and upset as I am, I love this child more than anything.


Melissa said...

Oh Aprilyn... HUGS!!! I don't know what I would do if my husband had to be gone for a week. He has a shorter fuse than me as well, but it just is nice to have them THERE. I hate hearing that my son with autism is such a perfect angel. I mean don't get me wrong, I am glad he is good for others, but I wish they could see what I do on a daily basis. Sigh.... I know that argument all too well. I hope you can make it through this week and if you need anyone to vent to or talk to... I'm Here!

tiptoe mama said...

I'm so sorry life has to be so hard sometimes, and I wish I had the answers for you. Hang in there and know that there are prayers coming your way! :)

hayngrl101 said...

I must confess that I am guilty of saying such a thing. When I am wearing my work-hat, I encounter lots of different kids with a broad range of abilities. The last thing (for me included) that a parent wants to hear is that their child is rotten or has bad behavior, etc. especially when they fear or suspect that there is something wrong. I do it for a couple of reasons... 1st, 'good behavior' is a relative thing. so if Johnny acted out less than before, I try to point out that he is doin better. 2nd, I have worked with some kids who were unimaginably difficult. So even though you think your child is naughty/misbehaving, believe me, there is always another family out there that has even worse behavior.

You are a strong, caring woman who is so in-tune to her son that she recognizes he is different and has different needs. You can get through this week without your hub. Just... keep your head down, keep trudging.

Your little man's behaviors and naughtiness are in no way a reflection of you or your parenting skills. He just has a few challenges/needs that have yet to be discovered and so he is 'acting out'.

You can do this. Just hang in there. You are loved.