Thursday, September 11, 2008

The verdict is in.

Thanks everybody for your well wishes.  It turns out, I have really needed them.  Today was the big day of M.K.'s hearing test.  Sedation and all.  I thought I had prepared myself for any outcome.  But as I listened to the audiologist explain to us that M.K. does have moderate hearing loss, my heart sank.  And as I looked at the graph with little cartoon images showing which sounds fall into the various categories, I realized that my little girl has never heard the birds chirping in the morning, or the wind rustling through the leaves in the trees, or rain drops on the window.  I took it all in, and I wanted to break down and cry. 

What is her world like?  

I have not told anyone yet.  I'm not ready to say it out loud. Blogging  is safer that way....strange, since I'm putting all my raw feelings and thoughts on the INTERNET for the whole world to see.  But saying it out loud, somehow makes it so much more real.  And I still want to cry, just take one moment to grieve for the life I thought she had.  Later tonight when I actually get a minute to myself, I will cry.  I'll let it all out.  Once I have,  I'll be able to start adjusting and accepting all the things I told myself before: this really isn't such a big deal.  There's a way to help her.  It will be fun to see her experience a new world for the first time.  It will help her speech.  It may even (stretch) help her balance!  but for now, it's dinner time and homework time, and time to just be strong and do the Mom duties.  

In truth, it really isn't such a big deal.  And as Aprilyn commented -- it's good just to know. It's just a new corner of Holland, and I have to reconcile myself all over again to being here instead of Italy.  Turning the corner to find a windmill instead of a gondola.  But, I can't be strong until I've had a few good moments of weakness to myself. And it sure doesn't hurt to have a place to vent it all. Who knows more about how healthy it is to grieve a little than us moms here in Holland right? 

Thanks for listening.  


Happy in Holland said...

I don't really know what to say--I'm happy for you and sad for you at the same time. I happy that you know and I'm happy that MK's hearing can be helped. I can't wait for you to tell us how she responds to the world when she can actually hear it well. I'm sad for you to have to go through "one more thing" in addition to what you are already dealing with. I'm glad you felt you had somewhere to go and someone to talk to about the way you feel--and I'm glad you didn't have to say it out loud--not tonight. I know how hard it is. Get some rest, get your tears out, then when you are ready to tell people you can tell them. Until then.....there's always us!

Aprilyn said...

I am like you holland. I don't know what to say. I am glad you KNOW. It's better than the frustration of wondering and second guessing yourself. You will grieve, that's Ok. Then you'll get to work, as I'm sure you always do, because it's not easy to parent these wonderful children.

Cindy said...

Hello Tiptoe Mom! This is my first visit to "thru the tulips", Aprilyn sent me.

I'm glad you could share with us today. Knowing that this is a grieving process, I think is an important step! You seem like a truly strong person, and you WILL survive this.

I guess I should tell you a little about myself. I'm an older mom with six wonderful children, all adults now. My youngest is a 21 year old son who was born with spina bifida and hydrocephalus. He is medically fragile and has a long list of diagnoses. Each one has brought grief and worry. But, I have this incredible young man in my life that I have learned so much from. He has indeed been a blessing!!

I also am a grandma to four delightful children. My oldest grandson was born with tracheoesophageal fistula and is deaf. He is eight now and doing amazingly well!! I guess our family just does disabilities!! There could be worse things!!

I am happy to have found this blog and hope I can help others with my experience. I certainly have been helped tremendously from others on my journey to Holland!!