The verdict is in.

Thanks everybody for your well wishes.  It turns out, I have really needed them.  Today was the big day of M.K.'s hearing test.  Sedation and all.  I thought I had prepared myself for any outcome.  But as I listened to the audiologist explain to us that M.K. does have moderate hearing loss, my heart sank.  And as I looked at the graph with little cartoon images showing which sounds fall into the various categories, I realized that my little girl has never heard the birds chirping in the morning, or the wind rustling through the leaves in the trees, or rain drops on the window.  I took it all in, and I wanted to break down and cry. 

What is her world like?  

I have not told anyone yet.  I'm not ready to say it out loud. Blogging  is safer that way....strange, since I'm putting all my raw feelings and thoughts on the INTERNET for the whole world to see.  But saying it out loud, somehow makes it so much more real.  And I still want to cry, just take one moment to grieve for the life I thought she had.  Later tonight when I actually get a minute to myself, I will cry.  I'll let it all out.  Once I have,  I'll be able to start adjusting and accepting all the things I told myself before: this really isn't such a big deal.  There's a way to help her.  It will be fun to see her experience a new world for the first time.  It will help her speech.  It may even (stretch) help her balance!  but for now, it's dinner time and homework time, and time to just be strong and do the Mom duties.  

In truth, it really isn't such a big deal.  And as Aprilyn commented -- it's good just to know. It's just a new corner of Holland, and I have to reconcile myself all over again to being here instead of Italy.  Turning the corner to find a windmill instead of a gondola.  But, I can't be strong until I've had a few good moments of weakness to myself. And it sure doesn't hurt to have a place to vent it all. Who knows more about how healthy it is to grieve a little than us moms here in Holland right? 

Thanks for listening.