I'm Still Here

Just so ya know. I haven't gone and done anything crazy. Ok, yes I have. I signed up to be the soccer coach for Marshall's team. I also reluctantly agreed to take Marshall to Wasatch Mental Health again. They have NEVER been helpful. They have only said Marshall has sensory problems, that's all, and then left us with no idea as to what we should do to get through this mess! Thanks a lot guys....

I also let myself get addicted to a game on Facebook and spent every spare second I could, playing that. I think it was a way to push the stress away, but it was not good. I finally was able to realize that what I was doing was not right and I stopped. I deleted the game and blocked Facebook too. So, if you normally look for me on there, sorry but I'm MIA until I feel I have control over my obsessive behavior. Maybe I will never feel like I can go back to Facebook. Who knows. So, for now, read about the sleep doctor update, Marshall in soccer, a silly song parody I made up, and soon I will update about school. But for now...the link- http://buckleinbunch.blogspot.com/

Sorry I don't have more to say. I need to get a shopping list made before I get Marshall from school. I love 3 hrs of time to myself. Ahhhh...it's so nice!

The Latest

So I haven't posted in a LONG time. We've had some really good days, some bad but really, he's doing quite well lately. We are now in the exhaustion cycle. Marshall isn't sleeping well again. Every night for the past 2 weeks, he has been waking up screaming. We have to go into his room and tell him he's OK. Then he goes back to sleep until the next time. He also talks in his sleep a lot. We go in his room at least 4 times a night. It is exhausting!! Still, overall I can't complain. He is eating and less angry too! That is so nice. We still need to improve eating some textures but when it's something he likes, he gobbles it down. We still can't get him to eat noodles. I made Chicken Noodle Soup with my own homemade noodles. We made him try a bite but he threw up. Oh well. It's still progress.

Four weeks ago, he was SO mad that I called my husband to say I was dropping Marshall off at the nearest crisis center because he was so out of control and I felt myself getting there too. Brian just told me to rake Marshall to him. He was at school working on his research so he made Marshall go there and be bored. Then, just before I was supposed to pick them up at the bus stop, I smashed 3 fingers on my right hand in the garage door between 2 of the sections. I broke my ring finger all the way through at the tip but only bruised the other two. I'm still wearing a splint and sometimes it still hurts REALLY bad but I think it is starting to get better.

Well, that's my update. I hope all of you are doing well.

I DO NOT LIKE TAG!!!

Marshall is not a fan of tag. He doesn't like it one bit. Yesterday after school, Marshall and I picked up a friend of his and went to the mall to run and play on the slide and dinosaur skeleton. When we got there, his buddy Carrson started running away from Marshall, happily playing tag. Marshall kept coming over to me crying because his friend kept running away. I tried to explain the game to him but Marshall didn't understand it. Later, other kids joined in the game but this led to even more tears, more angry outbursts, etc. I tried playing with him and explaining how to play tag. I showed him and played with him. He tried to play again but kept falling down. One time a boy tagged him a little too hard and Marshall fell down. The tears came again. He was not happy at all with this game. He has times where he WANTS to play with other kids but it's like he doesn't know what to do. I finally gave up and brought him and his buddy to my house and let them play with LEGOS. Carrson would build different things and play with them. Marshall built Cogs (robots from his most favorite game, Disney's Toontown Online).

Marshal's mood has been sprialing downward. The last few weeks he was rarely happy. He cried a lot, got angry, hit, kicked, pinched, and bit me and his friend and Nate (thankfully not too hard). He woke up a lot, and every meal was a battle just to get him to eat a little bit of food. I can not even begin to describe what it's like to have a 4 yr old with so much anger inside him that you worry about how you will possibly remain positive and happy for him. I try VERY hard not to join in that negative mood. I shower him with praise over the TINIEST things he does right. I know I'm too demanding sometimes and I am working hard on that. I need to offer more praise and less demands. What child likes a parent who doesn't appreciate the good things they do?

Isn't tag something that just comes natural to kids? The other children at the mall were laughing and having a great time. Poor Marshall was completely stressed out. These last couple weeks have been really tough. Marshall has been so angry and it only got worse every day. It could be because he can't sleep that well. Marshall still has obstructive sleep apnea and restless leg syndrome. The apnea wakes him up, then his legs start twitching and it makes it hard for him to fall back asleep. Brian is wondering if the reason why he wakes up scared every night is because he can't breathe and it scares him. It would scare me!!!


No matter how DIFFICULT Marshall is, I'm so glad he came to our family. He is a beloved son of God and I just try to love him as much as God does. I pray that I can see my children as God sees them. It helps during the REALLY REALLY tough times. Thankfully, yesterday was a really good day. I'm hoping it lasts. We're going to visit Grandma for the weekend and I hope he will be happy there.

Sleeples Nights

I guess the stimulant was a bad idea. The first night after he had taken it, he woke up about every 2 hrs. Last night he just couldn't stop fidgeting. I think it was after 11pm when my husband told me to go sleep on the couch and he would get Marhsall to sleep. He said he put his hand on Marshall's chest and his little heart was just going wild. Unfortunately, our doctor isn't on again until Tuesday. I think it's time to try another plan. I think for now I'll take him off the stimulant and try working on giving him appropriate things to chew and getting enough movement in. It doesn't really help. He still fights with his brother like crazy and he licks everyone and everything. We are exhausted. That's why my name on here is Anita Nap..becuase I'm always so tired.

I'm Mad Today

Maybe it's a normal thing. I don't know. I don't want to be angry with Marshall. It's not his fault he can't sleep through the night. I'm just SO BURNED OUT!! He has bad dreams constantly EVERY SINGLE NIGHT! When will it stop? What will help? There is no end in sight. I've always had a goal to go by. Something to keep me going. When he was first home from the NICU, I told myself, "I can make it to 6 months". The doctor thought his constant fussiness and lack of sleep was due to colic. It didn't improve at 6 months. I figured I'd wait for 6 months ADJUSTED age. Yeah, that came and went with no change. We're at four years now. Well, four years and nearly 3 months. I'm exhausted. I'm so SICK of bedtime woes. I'm tired of my child waking up so many times during the night. He's not always coherent but he cries, I wake up, have to check on him, then I try to go back to sleep. Sometimes I can't go back to sleep right away so I lay there a while. Then just as I finally fall back asleep, he cries again. I tell him he's safe. There's no bad guys. I checked his room. I tell him I looked under the bed (I check it all again) and there's nothing there. I check the closet, behind the doors, in the hallway and report back that everything is fine and he's safe. He has his rope lights on his bunk bed (which he LOVES). He has music playing in his room all night. He has a cricket sound machine playing all night. Yet, he still wakes up. He still wants someone in there. If I refuse to stay, he cries and cries even more and wakes up Nathan. If I ignore him, he gets even more scared. I'm burned out. When will it end? When will he sleep? I think I need to get out more often. I'm gonna go crazy.